"To do great things is difficult; but to command great things is more difficult. "

This post's quote is from Friedrich Nietzsche, the nineteenth century German philosopher. I think this quote perfectly goes with how I'm feeling, but I'm laughing hysterically on the inside that I would pick a quote from someone who is well known for his beliefs on postmodernism and existentialism. [Friends from college would maybe get this, but this could be my own joke inside my head. Either way, it's amusing to me right now.]

Today has been one of my introspective days. I've spent this week listening to people comment about how down or melancholy I seem to be, which is totally in contradiction to the actual good feelings I've been having. Well, mostly good feelings. I can't help but feel icky inside when I miss important events (birthdays, pregnancies) and when I just can't be there to give my best friend a hug. Things have happened this week that have left me wishing I was at home.....well, at my multiple homes that I feel I have. But on the work front, I've actually felt a little bit better about things.

For the first time since training started, the items on my desk are relatively under control. There are still some things I need to manage, but for the most part I'm happy with the state of my office affairs. I'm finally feeling like I'm finding my professional niche....or at least starting to worm my way into what COULD be one. And as I start to feel more in-control with the general aspects of my abilities to do my job, I start to realize how incredibly frustrating other things are. The topic for this discussion is my staff.

Don't get me wrong - I have been blessed with having a phenomenal group of people work for me. They are all talented in their own rights and I love them each dearly. Lately I've been struggling with their motivation....or general lack of it. I know the students here have their own unique culture that doesn't fit with the types of populations I've been involved with before, but I don't feel like that's a good enough excuse - or really that excuses are acceptable at this point. You're here to do a job, and you're doing it with this certain type of community. They have no desire to program. They see most requirements as a chore. I have basically been hung out to dry on an event this weekend that I seem to be having to completely run myself. I feel like no matter what I try and do they will be pissy about some aspect of it. And now I'm pretty much fed up with the entire situation.

I know that as a first-time supervisor I have made mistakes along the way. The entire month that they've been here with me has been a learning experience, with each week yielding more things that I have to discover how I will handle. Yet I'm starting to wonder if either I a) completely suck at supervision and motivation; or b) command no respect from anyone. Or, maybe it's not me at all and my staff is just really not feeling doing their jobs. None of these choices are acceptable. A change must occur.

So I will spend this weekend trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation. I hate to give a million deadlines for every little thing (I provide some, but not for everything), but I feel like I'm being pushed to the point of having to really take a look at their performances and wonder what I can do to help them along. It's not everyone; of course I have a few that are stellar and keep my hope alive that everything will be okay. But the ones that are starting to push my buttons are really stomping on them. Tonight I will stay up later than I should and mull all of this over, trying to come up with answers that I know won't come. And I'll also lay on my couch and wonder what's happening back at my homes, wishing I could be everywhere at once and feeling like I can't control a thing.